This post has been long overdue, I didn’t want to write another sad reflection on missing the past. So, I decided not to write anything until I had something positive and funny to say. And dadada daaaa…
I am finally there! Only took a month but hey better late than never as many of my fav quotes keep alluding to.
I have started doing yoga every Monday night, I did practise yoga regularly but haven’t for a number of years now so getting back into it has been fun and challenging. I have found most people in the class take their practise very seriously and part of me admires this, but, another part of me just cracks up. For example during the warm up last week everyone was lying down still, having their minds eye examine their body and relax preparing for the class. When we were instructed to pull our knees up into our chest and rock side to side, the guy down the end let out a rip roaring fart! It was so loud and I just started chucking silently to myself but, no one else in the whole room had any reaction or made a sound. I couldn’t figure out whether I was just being immature or if I was not focused enough on my breathing. However, when 2 minutes later he did another louder fart I did audibly laugh and a girl across from me gave me the “teacher look” I know this look well being a teacher myself and just smiled back. Lesson learnt from last weeks class: don’t take yoga so seriously that you can’t giggle. (isn’t there a laughing type of yoga anyway?)
I have also started going to a gym every week day morning and doing whatever class is on. (Seeing a theme here?) I was doing a Body Pump class, I’ve never tried it before and really enjoyed it. About half way through I realised that I was full on Cheshire cat grinning and throughly enjoying myself. I must admit that when I’ve herd that exercise releases endorphins and makes you feel happy I just believed that was an awesome marketing campaign that the exercise industry came up with and thought anyone who bought into it was a little bit gullible. (Can anyone say placebo effect?)
Well I am now that gullible girl pushing harder and lifting those weights with a grunt and a grin afterwards. Even though I may make old lady sounds when my acing body rolls out of bed at 5:30am I am grinning when sitting at my desk at 9am. Xx
I thought being in a different country, in a big city would be more than enough to jump start my new life journey. However, I have discovered that when you have lots and lots of new and exciting things around you, you tend to reflect on the old and miss their familiar comfort.
I will be the first to admit I was very gun ho (no idea where that saying came from) when I devised moving country after my major brake-up. “The physical distance will be a great distraction,” I said to myself, “once I leave on that plane, a weight will lift off my shoulders.” I mused with ignorance and hope. Well… reality is, well, reality and nothing in my grand plans said anything about me after 6 months still welling up and crying into my pillow until the wee hours of the morning because I desperately miss and pine for my lover.
I am frequently shocked and taken aback when going about my day and a smell, sound or sweet scene on TV will bring me to my knees, I suddenly feel like it was yesterday that I walked away from a man that loved me and the sadness cuts me deeply.
I know that with time the cuts will become shallower and the crying will cease, but for now they remain as a tie to the old and familiar, it is both a curse and a comfort…
There are many occasion in my life when I feel the need to cry, sometimes it can be a particularly heart wrenching advert on TV, a terrible tragedy on a sitcom or I may hear a song and slide straight back to the moment when I loved it and miss that time so much. However, the most tender, spontaneous cry is when I have to say goodbye to a loved one and simply the thought that I will not be sharing the same space as them tugs at my heart.
I have an amazing family. I do not really understand it when people complain about having to see their family or extended family. I suppose I would count myself as one of the lucky few who yearns to be with mine, I plan and design my life so that I can fit in as many visits as possible with as many members as possible. Not only that, but when something great happens to one of us the others all rally around and celebrate together. My amazing friends are also my family, they usually have the honest advice that snaps me back to reality and do not put up with any of my bullshit rationalising. I have been blessed and raised surrounded by love, I would count my family as my greatest asset.
Considering the major change element of this blog it would not be hard to understand that I have been going through a tough time over the past year or so. I have often felt lost, sad, confused and negative about my future and previous choices. It goes without saying that I have not been the most joyful, happy person to be around. I felt as though a cloud surrounded me and followed me wherever I went, when I did see family I would often put on a happy face and make sarcastic remarks to deflect this dark cloud and keep it away from my interactions. As my family know me very well I’m sure they saw right through this, they asked me hard questions, gave me encouragement and support. Always had time for me and a place for me in their homes.
So this is a message of love and gratitude to my amazing family and friends who have never stopped treating me with kindness and understanding. Who showered me with love and believed in me even when I did not.
I have been feeling over the last few days that major change is like a yoyo. I am 100% certain I made the right choice, then later in the day I am wondering about it, then I am doubting everything and scrolling through old txts and photos, then I read a few self empowering quotes on my phone and I’m back to being 110% certain again. Then BAM something sentimental triggers and I’m back to doubting. (Thank goodness this is an internal struggle #overanalyzing #feelingbatshitcrazy )
Not sure how long this process will take but, it sure is taking it out of me. I don know how many times you can look a your ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page in 10 minutes and expect (hope) something will pop up like: “worst day of my life miss my ex-girlfriend so bad! Blah is feeling sad 😦 ” or “Realised today that my ex-girlfriend was the sexiest, strong, wonderful women in the whole wide world, how could I let her go?! Blah is feeling regretful 😦 ”
Yup I did it. Face-stalking is addictive and totally a form of self harm, so today I am confessing my face-stalking sins and I’m saying no more, I will refrain! Not only is it completely unrewarding, but it is conterproductive to my new journey. I need to accept my feelings of doubt and let them go, I have already made my decisions and it is now time to simply move on. (cue powerful soundtrack!)
D day is in 3 days, then I will be comfortably flying over the Tasman sea; playing candy crush, sipping on gin’n’soda and watching the cloud carpet float by. I am hoping that this physical distance from my past and the feelings that are attached to it will help me let those feelings go… fingers crossed.
Footnote 1: Face-stalking is when you obsessively look at someones profile on the social networking site Facebook, you look at their comments/ photos/shares, who has liked them, who those people are, etc, etc, etc… (it is pretty pathetic but sometimes very compelling)