I thought being in a different country, in a big city would be more than enough to jump start my new life journey. However, I have discovered that when you have lots and lots of new and exciting things around you, you tend to reflect on the old and miss their familiar comfort.
I will be the first to admit I was very gun ho (no idea where that saying came from) when I devised moving country after my major brake-up. “The physical distance will be a great distraction,” I said to myself, “once I leave on that plane, a weight will lift off my shoulders.” I mused with ignorance and hope. Well… reality is, well, reality and nothing in my grand plans said anything about me after 6 months still welling up and crying into my pillow until the wee hours of the morning because I desperately miss and pine for my lover.
I am frequently shocked and taken aback when going about my day and a smell, sound or sweet scene on TV will bring me to my knees, I suddenly feel like it was yesterday that I walked away from a man that loved me and the sadness cuts me deeply.
I know that with time the cuts will become shallower and the crying will cease, but for now they remain as a tie to the old and familiar, it is both a curse and a comfort…
I have been feeling over the last few days that major change is like a yoyo. I am 100% certain I made the right choice, then later in the day I am wondering about it, then I am doubting everything and scrolling through old txts and photos, then I read a few self empowering quotes on my phone and I’m back to being 110% certain again. Then BAM something sentimental triggers and I’m back to doubting. (Thank goodness this is an internal struggle #overanalyzing #feelingbatshitcrazy )
Not sure how long this process will take but, it sure is taking it out of me. I don know how many times you can look a your ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page in 10 minutes and expect (hope) something will pop up like: “worst day of my life miss my ex-girlfriend so bad! Blah is feeling sad 😦 ” or “Realised today that my ex-girlfriend was the sexiest, strong, wonderful women in the whole wide world, how could I let her go?! Blah is feeling regretful 😦 ”
Yup I did it. Face-stalking is addictive and totally a form of self harm, so today I am confessing my face-stalking sins and I’m saying no more, I will refrain! Not only is it completely unrewarding, but it is conterproductive to my new journey. I need to accept my feelings of doubt and let them go, I have already made my decisions and it is now time to simply move on. (cue powerful soundtrack!)
D day is in 3 days, then I will be comfortably flying over the Tasman sea; playing candy crush, sipping on gin’n’soda and watching the cloud carpet float by. I am hoping that this physical distance from my past and the feelings that are attached to it will help me let those feelings go… fingers crossed.
Footnote 1: Face-stalking is when you obsessively look at someones profile on the social networking site Facebook, you look at their comments/ photos/shares, who has liked them, who those people are, etc, etc, etc… (it is pretty pathetic but sometimes very compelling)